What men and women really want...?

About men

“Our surface understanding is that ‘men need respect’. What this means in practice is that they would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.”

Your love is NOT enough. Your respect means more to your husband than even your affection. The author’s research revealed that a man would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected. In fact, many men equated being unloved with being disrespected and were unable to distinguish between the two! Basically, what this means for us as wives, is that in order to ensure our husband feels loved, we must ensure that he feels our respect most of all.

“If a man’s wife believes in him, he can conquer the world – or at least his little corner of it.”

To show them love, Shaunti suggests, we need to show our respect for their judgements and abilities and in the way we communicate, particularly in public.

About women

“Our surface understanding is that ‘women need to be loved.’ What this means in practice is that even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your love - and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured.”

As Jeff Feldhahn explains ‘Surely this doesn’t apply to my wife! She knows I love her!’ Yes she probably does, but we’re not talking about what she knows logically, but rather about her feelings….

This underlying insecurity (Does he really love me?) requires us as husbands to constantly reassure our wives. There is helpful direction on how to provide regular reassurance, on listening and showing physical affection - a hug can go a long way to reassure your wife of your love for her. ‘The power of pursuit’ also figures here - your wife will feel loved if you continue to ‘pursue’ her, so we men need to continue to do romantic things, like bring flowers, send cards, write letters and provide meals out.